Way back in '94, the best part of a decade before pessimistic Romsey match reports became a regular feature of summer, there was the era of The Romsey Town CC Newsletter, written by Nick Florence and Alfie Wilmshurst. Sadly only one of these historic documents has survived -- please say if you know otherwise -- and it is reproduced here for your reading pleasure:
ROMSEY TOWN V LINTON PLAYED AT FITZWILLIAM 27/8/94
NIGEL " NORTHERN BASTARD " ARNOLD
DAVE " MONTY " ALLSOP
ANDY " WHERE'S THE BAR? " OWEN
AGHA " DR. DOLITTLE " KHAN
TONY "PAVAROTTO " DESIMONE
PHIL " DONALD " BRADFORD
nICK " KING tIGER " FLORENCE
STUMPY " JUST CALL ME STUMPY " STUMPY
ROGER " HIPSTER " SHELLEY
ARNIE " JOVIAL SCOTSMAN " GARSIDE
ALFIE "LORD kIPLING " WILMSHURST
WEATHER CONDITIONS , SUNNY WITH A SOUTH EASTERLY BREEZE.
" SURPRISE " " SURPRISE " LINTON WON THE TOSS AND ELECTED TO
BAT .
After losing the toss again , " Where's the bar " decided that
he and " Monty " would open the bowling........ again . This
game would decide the championshipbut , unfortunately for Romsey,
it was their opponents who were gunning for the division 3's
title. Having clinched promotion already, Linton were looking
to get off to a good start." Monty " thought had other ideas
and seemed inspired as he came roaring into bowl like a Rail-
track express train . (WE ALL KNOW HOW FAST THEY HAVE BEEN
RUNNING LATELY.) With "Lord kipling " fielding at mid off ,
" Monty "used the gale force "WIND" which was blowing behind
him effectively and got a lot of bounce out of the usual docile
Fitzwilliam wickets . His opening partner , " Where's the bar"
was having an absolute nightmare at the other end. Giving the
batsmen plenty of width , the ball spent more time crashing
into the pavilion wall , than it did on the pitch .In fear of
ruining his bowling averages , " Where's the bar " decided it
was time to cover the boundary with fielders. In his third over
though ,he finally got one to move away from the batsman ,and
"Donald " snapped up his third catch behind the stumps in two
matches. ( DON'T WE BLOODY KNOW IT ) " Monty "continued to bowl
with a lot of hostility, and was very unlucky not to take a
wicket. Having bowled 7 overs for a cost of just 19 runs he
was taken off on the understanding that he would bowl his final
3 overs at the end of the innings. ( THAT'S WHAT HE THOUGHT
AH AH AH AH .) After last weeks textbook performence , " King-
tiger "came in the replace " Monty " hoping to produce the goods
this time around. But as they say, "LIGHTENING DOES NOT STRIKE
TWICE" and " King tiger " got a caning of " WHIPLASH" proportions.
He could only stand back and watch in horror as the ball flew
to all sides of the boundary.
With the smell of burning leather wafting over the ground,
"Where's the bar " had had enough of this and decided to close
the "BUFFET CAT "."King tiger" trudged backto the fine leg
boundary ,and was taunted by " Donald " who found his team-
mates misfortune most amusing.( UNFORTUNATELY FOR " DONALD"
HE FORGETS THAT I AM ONE OF THE EDITOR'S ,AND OBVIOUSLY DOESN'T
REMEMBER THIS FAMOUS SAYING. HE WHO LAUGHS LAST ,LAUGHS LONGEST)
Romsey,as we know , do not have a shortage of bowlers so it
came as a great surprise to us all when " Hipster " started
marking out his run up , His two fingers were soon pointing
to the sky though as he took a wicket with only his second
delivery, Could he keep it up was the question on everyones
lips for " Romsey "needed somebody to peg back Linton batsmen
We think the less said about his next 16 deliveries the better,
for he went for a staggering 22 runs from his 3 overs. (I know
how you feel "Hipster ,I got tonked myself "King tiger" ). With
the score moving along swiftly,Romsey were under imense pressure
and needed inspiration from somewhere. They got it from the
unlikely duo of " Northern bastard" and " Donald , who took
five wickets between them.
" Northern bastard " owed one of his wickets to another
unbelieveable catch from " Just call me stumpy ". We say
unbelieveable for he came ambling in from the boundary smashed
out of his face and , with the ball moving towards him at tremen-
dous speed somehow managed to drum up enough energy to throw
his arms up in the air and take the catch . (HE OBVIOUSLY READ
THE"kEN CLARKE " ART OF FIELDING SECTION IN LAST WEEKS ISSUE,
ITS A SHAME" THE JOVIAL SCOTSMAN " DID NOT.)After bowling 7-
0-27-3," Donald "spent the tea interval boasting about his 3
wickets haul. He was soon silenced though when the Linton manager
piped up to say that his three victims were only playing in
order to rais money for their own blind dogs . Linton finished
on 189-7 off their alloted 40 over8s.
Because " Northern bastard "HAD BEEN ORDERED TO RETURN HOME
EARLY , it was decided that he and " Monty " would open the
batting."Monty" was fortunate that he was not the one returning
home early for he was dropped by Linton's opening bowler in
the first over."Northern Bastard" was doing his usual "Geoff
Boycott" impression,dead batting everything that came his way.
"Monty" on the other hand,was very impressive,knocking the ball
all over the place in very uncharacteristic style."Northern
Bastard" was on unlucky 13 when he heard voices calling from
across the Channel,telling him "Nigel,come home,Nigel come home".
(Ed's idea;The last sentence should be spoken in a French accent.)
Enter Mr Romsey himself,"Where's The Bar". After his recent spate
of good innings,a lot was expected of this great man.Unfortunately,
the expectation did not last long for he was caught behind for
a piss poor 7.Next in,naking only his third appearance of the
season,was "Dr Dolittle" and,living upto his name,he did very
little indeed,not bothering to trouble the scorers."Monty"
meanwhile,was enjoying huge success when "Pavarotti" was joined
him at the other end.However this did not last long for he was
soon bowled for a glorious 38."Pavarotti" was making steady
progress,hitting some brilliant singles when Romsey Town's own
"Patrick Moore" lookalike,"Donald" entered the fray.After reaping
huge rewards at Haslingfield the week before "Donald"went in
to bat ful of confidence.This was soon shattered thought when,
receiving what can only be described as a gentle half volley,
he turned to see his leg stump flying towards the wicket-keepers
face.He trundled back to the pavillion with a pitiful 6 runs
under his ever expanding belt.
Next in was "Mr Inconsistent",yes you've guessed it,"King
Tiger",He strolled on to the pitch as if he owned it,nonchalantly
walking towards the crease.He raised his head slightly to take
guard and was struck with fear as he saw "Lord Kipling"standing,
twitching his fingers with a mischievous grin on his face at
the other end.However , " King tiger " should have concentrated
more on his own batting technique than who was umpiring , because
it was such a shit shot that led to his dismisal .Receiving
a slow paced deliverty , he gently lobbed the ball to mid-
off ,who caught the ball with ease.
"Pavarotti" was going along nicely,but,having made 14,a high
score by his standards,he had a sudden rush of blood to the
head and thought it was the football season again when he decided
that he would kick the ball onto his own stumps.
With two new batsmen at the wicket,Romsey were finding it
difficult to keep up with the ever increasing run-rate.Although
"Just Call Me Stumpy" was doing his best,hitting some splendid
shots to the boundary,"Hipster" was trying as equally as hard,
at the other end,but as usual,he tried too hard and gave his
wicket away for a very cheap 1.
In came "The Jovial Scotsman" who decided at a very early
stage that he was not going to damage his new bat by doing
anything silly,such as hitting the ball."Just Call Me Stumpy"
was on 18 before being bowled by the lethal Dave Gleeon,a
pain in the arse for most people.
People who say Cricket is boring and that there are no
entertainers left in the game,would have been proved wrong if
they were at todays match.Enter "Lord Kipling",for this was
the moment when the whole of the Western World,and the Romsey team
had been waiting for all season.You would have had to have been
on your toes though because,unfortunately,his innings did not
last long.Receiving what was "Universally Acclaimed" as the
best ball bowled all game by either side,"Lord Kipling"stood
no chance at all,and was out for a GOLDEN DUCK.The match was
all over and Romsey were out for a very disappointing 105.Linton
were crowned Champions after the game,and ,in our opinion,
were worthy of the title.
LINTON WON BY 84 RUNS.
MAN OF THE MATCH:"BEARDED WONDER" WE HEAR YOU CRY,BUT HE DIDNT
PLAY,OUR ANSWER,EXACTLY.
AFTER MATCH COMMENTS:
1) Unlucky "Lord Kipling",that ball was a real snorter.
2) Where was "Skimpy Knickers"? But quite frankly,who cares.
3) "The Jovial Scotsman" muttered something under his breath
which nobody could understand,so we we all ignored him
for the rest of the evening.
4) "Monty" asked the "Hipster" when he was going to start net
practice."Hipster's" reply was short and sweet,"At least
I took a wicket,so swivel on that you ugly bastard".
5) During the BBQ,"Monty" popped his head out of the bar for
the first time in a few hours and seemed slightly concerned
about the welfare of his two lovely children,"dont worry,I'll
look after you're kids "Monty" said "King Tiger" who was
getting a right good kick in.OK said "Monty" who then casually
slipped back into the bar.
NEWSFLASH
THE EDITORS WOULD LIKE TO THANK "WHERE'S THE BAR" FOR HIS
GENEROSITY,FOR THE FIRST TIME THIS SEASON HE DIPPED HIS HANDS
INTO THOSE LONG POCKETS OF HIS AND BOUGHT THE WHOLE TEAM
A DRINK.NOT BEFORE TIME.
THIS IS THE FINAL EDITION OF THE ROMSEY TOWN NEWSLETTER THIS
SEASON.NICK AND ALF WOULD LIKE TO THANK EVERYONE FOR TAKING
THE CONTENTS IN GOOD SPIRIT AND FOR ENCOURAGING US TO WRITE
MORE.WE HOPE TO SEE YOU ALL AGAIN NEXT SEASON.
CHEERS